Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Change

It's been two days since my last post.
So, I'll reward your wait with my thoughts on what I consider to be one of my all time favorite topics: change.
Now, we all experience change constantly. Whether it's political, emotional, physical, spiritual, etc... our life goes through stages. We live in our parents house, then move on to a place of our own. We want to be veterinarians or artists when we're little, and can then change to something completely different in a heartbeat.
Me, I'm one of those people who desires such changes. I seek them out. I often create the change I wish to see in my own little world.
My most recent exploits have been writing, occupation, and appearance.

Lets first start with my writing. As most of you know, I write stories. The thing is, I have too many stories inside me to get them all down. I will get amazingly excited over an "inspirational" story, and jot down ideas, create characters, and begin fleshing out the first chapter--the hook. But once I create the hook, I inevitably come up with another story, and shelve the one I was just working on.
This happens every time.
The only times where I have been able to stick to a project were when I had a 3 day deadline to get a book written (I DID IT!!! 24 thousand words, too!), and was one spot away from getting published *sigh*, and when I was writing the Itheryn Chronicles with Casey Ruble. Thing is, it took us so long to write the book(s) that we just stopped. There are a number of chapter written, and the whole story mapped out. But again, it sits on the shelf.
I am now working on a new series called "The Touch of the Ancients", set in the same world as my only completed book, "The Gifted Ones". The thing is, I have been hit with a number of TV episodic ideas for a murder mystery series. Interesting, yes. But quite inconvenient, seeing as I am still working on a project. But for me, each idea has such potential that it's worse to let them fade into nothingness when I can always go back later and finish what I started. That way, I have all the stories fleshed out enough to finish, with few lost.
I could reverse the logic and be fine, I know. But I have too much going on in my head to stop.
Friends and acquaintances often ask me how I can think so much, or read so much, or want to know so much. They don't understand my drive to KNOW. I have an insatiable hunger to have an encyclopedic knowledge of all topics. It has major benefits, in that no matter where I am or who I run into, I can have a decent conversation with them, knowing enough to have a common interest, but not enough to keep them from teaching me something.
It's amazing how many friends you'll meet or keep that way.
But right now I am slightly perturbed that I am enacting change in my writing, my formulation of ideas, and the directions the changes are taking me, because they aren't exactly what I had planned.

The thing about change that you spearhead and set into motion is that you are in the driver's seat. You have at least a semblance of control, and I like control. So, even though I may not like the direction the change is taking me, I chose to take that path. And that happens with any kind of change. You can initiate it, yes. But you can only see so far ahead, and that's without any unforeseen outside influence in the near future.

Now, Occupation. There's an area where one has some control. My friends like to make fun of me for changing my desired profession so often. At 14, it was veterinarian. Then author. Then historian and author, then Celtic Studies and English. I also toyed with the ideas of music or art or business. But as I sit and write this now, I  have been and am filled with the desire to become a Psychologist. I'm shooting for FBI profiler, having degrees in Psychology and Criminology. But I'm also leaving the door open for becoming a christian psychologist, working in a psychiatric hospital, psych ward, or counselor's office. I have an internship possibility in Tulsa with a Christian Psychiatic Hospital called Brookhaven...when I am feeling better, that is. The FBI Behavioral Science Unit also offers a 14 week internship program to juniors and seniors at college. Before applying for that though, I think I'll see if I can volunteer at a police department, or shadow someone from the Indianapolis FBI office. But we shall see.
The reason I kept changing from one field to another was that I have been blessed with gifts in many different areas. I can play the piano and the guitar. I can write non fiction and fiction. I can read people and understand them before they sometimes even understand themselves. I can paint and draw people and landscapes that make people ooh and awe. I can make history come alive to even the uninterested passerby. And I can be right at home with children of all ages up to adults of more than 100 years. So, being a historian, a teacher, an artist, a writer, a musician, or a counselor all made sense. But the reason I loved all those things was understanding why people did what they did--what went on inside their heads.
What series of events lead to Alexander's unwise push into India, other than the obvious one of fame and glory? Why does a person find themselves with tears glistening in their eyes when they behold a piece of art instead of just taking a glance and moving on? Why will a book sell millions upon millions of copies, but not be considered good literature? (Answer: because of the depth of the insight into people and life!) How will a piece of music I am learning affect my audience, and why? And what was in the mind and heart of the composer when they selected these notes? What in their life led them to that culmination of thoughts and emotions to pen such a piece?
Do you see a common theme?
People.
Getting inside their heads.
I had planned out schedules and occupations and job searches and potential benefactors and mentors in each of the professions, and they all sounded good. But I didn't have the fire for them. I can do ANYTHING I put my mind to. I can live anywhere I choose. I can like or dislike anything by telling myself to do so. That wasn't the problem. The problem was that It was just a convenient option. But not a passion.
So, when I found the theme of "People and what makes them tick" as the reason why I enjoyed every subject I was interested in, I settled on Psychology--the study of man and his behavior, his molding, his thinking, his being.
But that wasn't enough. While I want to know all that, I have to use that knowledge to benefit others. I don't want to have a job that is just about moving up the corporate ladder and making money. I want...no, I need a job that I can use to positively influence the world around me. And that, I feel, is being one of two things.Being a psychologist that the christian community can feel safe coming to, that they will send their own to, knowing that that person will be seen as a whole--mind, body, and spirit--from a Godly perspective, and that they will be cared for biblically.
But, I also feel that I could do wonders in law enforcement, helping to catch murderers and wrongdoers. If I was in homicide with the police, I would most likely deal with one-time offenders, helping solve the 18,000+ murder cases that the United States deals with every year. If I worked with the FBI as a profiler, I'd most likely be dealing exclusively with serial killers, getting inside their minds, figuring out what makes them tick, and then telling others how to diffuse the human time bomb they've become. I would help catch the few but very dangerous men, where three to ten of them will kill the yearly average of 200 serial killer victims a year.

My mum and dad are quite concerned for me if I choose to go with the FBI. Profilers have a track record of a short lived career, burning out quickly, or of becoming mental patients, or worst of all, becoming like that which they try to catch--killers.
 I can compartmentalize. I can separate the horrific, emotional impact of the victim's death from the grisly, but realistic facts. It's a gift. A dangerous one. And one that could lead me to a bitter end. But one that can also, when coupled with a steadfast walk with Christ, bring peace and safety to the people of this nation.
If God calls me to that, who am I to say no? Just because it presents dangers doesn't mean I should avoid it.
I am open to using my gifts to further the church in wards, hospitals, or office sessions. I can do basic homicides for all I care. I just want to be used effectively. And right now, that seems to mean me pushing for the FBI.
That's what change will do for you. It will leave loose ends that you can't tell how they'll be tied up. It will also open doors that years before, you never knew existed. Change is good.

So there you have it....my writing and my occupation.
But what has happened most recently is my desire to change my appearance. First of all, I love changing my hair. The length, the cut, the color. You name it, I've thought about it (laughingly or not!). I've tried dying it red, but the red dye I used didn't last, and wasn't nearly as vibrant or look altering as I was shooting for. Now, I'm thinking blonde, (a deeper) red, purple, or black. I was even given (jokingly, you should note) the possibility of dying my hair blue. Now, I'm thinking, if I do that, it will be blonde with blue highlights, or black with blue highlights. Your comments would be appreciated on the matter!
No matter what though, I want something different, and cool *chuckle*.
I also want to lose some serious weight. I've been told I look fine. But fine or not, I'm overweight. That's partly the fault of my illness. Now going on 3 years, I have been unable to exercise, I've been cooped up, often immobile, my chemical imbalances have given me sugar cravings, and my body hasn't been working the way it should be. The combination is that I have gained weight. I'm upset about that. With my blood toxicity depositing more, instead of removing, naturally-made toxins from my muscles, the act of working out would increase my pain exponentially, and that is something I couldn't handle, no matter how high my pain tolerance is.
So I'm just going to have to go on a special diet......little good it will do me. But I can at least try. This has given me some self-image issues, but nothing serious. I'm actually pretty comfortable with myself.
I only wish I was capable of taking the needed steps to lose weight. I know I could do it easily. What frustrates me is that I have the drive already, but not the ability. It's slightly funny that so many people today have the ability, but not the drive.
Sad, but funny.

*big sigh* Anyway, there it is. My three major areas of change, upheaval, and constant reassessment. I am constantly thinking about, evaluating, and struggling with these three areas, but that's a good thing. It means I haven't become complacent despite my physical condition and my lack of prospects for recovery up to march (when I got my diagnosis).
My brain never sleeps.

So. Any questions? Anything you wonder about me, or how I live, or think, or do?
If you have any, shoot! I'm wide open, ready to receive and answer. If I get enough questions, I may devote a day's post just to the questions, or even to one particular question if I have a lot to say on the subject.
I'll be awaiting your comments (here or on facebook!)

Be well!
-Rae

2 comments:

Andrew said...

Very interesting Rachael. I can relate totally with you as far as writing goes, I'm a tad bit more focused (only 4 major projects so far, 1 complete) but I can't seem to get an entire book done. Working with a friend definitely helps. My poems on the other hand always get finished, well, my LOTR epic isn't done yet, but it's coming :).

I feel with ya on the employment too, let's see: Fighter Pilot, Army Chaplain, Veterinarian, Missionary, Marine Officer, Special Forces Operator, and now A Missionary Doctor. Go figure.

I for the longest time I wanted to be in the Marines or Special Forces because I wanted to do something important and exciting and I spent two years training myself in tactics, military history, trying to beat my asthma, running, swimming and reading soldier's biographies. Then I guess God got a hold of me and showed me that killing people wasn't what he had in mind. I found I enjoyed helping people more than violence, and that I can only make a real difference by reaching people for Christ. Ta Da!

And don't feel bad about your appearance, as a lifeguard I'm so jaded people almost aren't physically attractive to me anymore, I don't notice people until I get to know them. The personality is waaay more important and looks don't last. You've got nothing to worry about :D

Keep going Rachael, God's always there for you!

Andrew

Rae Hitchings said...

I think I responded in some way to this on FB, but I want to make sure and say something.
Andrew, even just through our correspondence here and on other sites, I have definitely grown to admire you.
All of your possible profession choices are admirable, and ones you should be proud to do. But if you feel God is calling you to be a missionary doctor, then go for it!
It's amazing how much good they can do, both helping the body, and the soul.
Wow. It really is awesome how God can use a single person if they allow themselves to be His instruments.
I'll be praying that if Missionary Doctoring is your calling, that God will open door after door, and that you will be willing to walk through them, trusting Him implicitly.

And thanks for the compliment *chuckle* I try to have a personality that is at least slightly amicable =)

-Rae

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