Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Updates and Confessions

I've tried not to stay up this late for the past week. But as I am slowly gaining my faculties back from my withdrawal due to medication restrictions (boooo, doctor!), I have found myself staying awake again at night due to pain. The thing is, it has given me more time to think, to pray, to stare at my walls and process life's curve balls. It's given me a greater appreciation for late nights, where I can be at least internally productive, instead of zombied by medications, yet still unable to sleep. My doctor would be unhappy with me tonight though, as different parts of the body heal and get rejuvenated from 12:00am until about 6:00 am. I'm creeping up on nullifying at least half of tonight's "healing processes". Thankfully, my doctor does not read my blog *chuckle*.



Now, there are a few things that have happened recently that I feel I should at least say something about. Saturday was my mum's birthday. Although she, Dad and Matt were at Matt's swim conference from about 6 am to 4 pm, we had a pretty low key but enjoyable evening. Mum wanted to go to Red Lobster, and although I was provoked a few times by my Dad (plus seeming to be on the lookout for things to "freak out at") I was able to, through the prevalent use of arrow prayers and breathing techniques =P, prevent myself from causing a scene. Again, it is because I wanted mum's birthday to be memorable not because of an unhappy incident, but because of it's calmness and "family time". I think that that was accomplished. It was another instance where I was able to rise above my circumstances because I was focused on helping and being there for someone else.
That evening, we all gave her some sort of present, and while I wasn't as extravagant as last year, I wrote a short letter that she teared up while reading. =D Kudos to me! Not many kids get to see their parents tear up at something they intentionally did explicitly for them. To see the parent shed a tear for joy, not anger or sadness. These days I more often see someone tear up because I or another was cruel or they were sad for me and my state of life right now. It's nice to see the opposite, for once. Thank you God!

Sadly though, that night was not kind to me. I woke up Sunday morning with a splitting headache, dizziness, and my entire body aching. Not an unusual feeling for me, but it was still enough to knock me out for the rest of the day. That of course meant that I wasn't able to go to church, or meet with Jaymie and Jenn afterwords. Neither were things I was happy about.
Then, comes Monday. I woke up at 10:00....an hour later than my doctor was ordering me to *sigh*. But I was still exhausted from doing something every day of the previous week. Yeah...one to two things per day. They weren't packed, but I still can't do much without my body giving out on me. I'm working on keeping my attitude as chipper as it has been so far. I've been lucky to have a good disposition about all of this. But even with that, one of my doctors at Cleveland clinic, after seeing the results of one of his tests, said I had mild depression. That's not all from the mental strain due to my diseases, but it does sometimes affect me more than I would like. Most of it is because of chemical imbalances that stem from the same causes of my fibromyalgia, and are being perpetuated by it. Lucky me, huh?

Anyway. Today. Monday. I woke up late. I forgot in my haze to do my quiet time until later on in the day. That was my second bad start. Then, I sat in my room and read about all the various things in my body that were malfunctioning, and the vicious cycles they cause and perpetuate, all in the fibro book my mum gave me. Now, it does offer ways to "cure you". But so many people who have promised me cures have failed to deliver. So I have to work doubly hard when reading to see it from an objective, if not positive, outlook. Then I listened to some music, reread the beginning to Wuthering Heights, and prepared emails to send out to help with preparations for McKenna's Awakening weekend.

That done, I helped keep Michael occupied for a bit while my Grandma and other family members fixed mum's family birthday dinner - steaks from a local butcher shot, baked potatoes, hot rolls, fresh green beans, and various fruits. Yum! I shouldn't have eaten as much steak as I did though. I'm not really supposed to eat much meat right now, and if I do, it should be white meats, mainly chicken and lamb. Bad me..... *Grin*. Oh well. It was worth it. Again, I reiterate that my doctor does not read my blog. And I'm hoping it will stay that way! *laugh*
Dad was (and is still) in a bad mood, and thus created a few minor scenes with me, Matt, and even Sarah and Michael. Mum and Grandma did their best to ignore them, and we moved on. But tonight was definitely not as peaceful as Saturday evening.

Next, I get an email that McKenna is tired and not feeling well, and that we have to cancel plans for the Awakening. At first, I wasn't very happy. But then it dawned on me that whatever I had planned, God's plans were better. We only know the extent and the beauty of his plans in retrospect, and rarely stop to see or try to understand what He wants when we are in the middle of his workings. Right now, I don't know why He chose to set events in place that prevented Kenna from going. But I know that what she and her family were feeling and finally chose, was the right decision. I feel it. I know it. So, McKenna, if you end up reading this, know that I have no hard feelings. I am glad that we aren't doing anything hastily, against your inner urgings, or that could even possibly make or keep you unwell. Have faith that what has happened went as it was supposed to. Maybe it's just not the time yet. Maybe next year? Who knows. The fact still remains that all I did was for you. And right now, what's best for you is to have this weekend to recuperate. Right now, I want you to do exactly that, because that's what you need. I love you. Everything else pales in comparison to that.

Anyway, after I got that email, I went and dealt with canceling all preparations, informed the heads of the Awakening, and prayed. The Lord does wonderful things in prayer. I was calmed, reassured, and content.

Now, I have to face the reality that I haven't been keeping on schedule with my Ezekiel studies. I would post some of what I have learned, but I am slightly tired, and don't want to go get the journal. So, I will just ask that you pray for me. Pray that I can keep steadily in the Word, and that the Lord would speak to me through that diligence.

Oh. One more thing I found out today was that my arms and hands are so tensed and cause so much pain when moved for even a short time that I can't play any instruments (well, at least!). That means that it's a good thing I don't have a guitar teacher right now. I wouldn't be able to handle it. The flip side is that I have had the urge to really play the guitar and piano the past few days. Maybe this will give me a bit more incentive to get well. This fibro is messing with so many things in my life that I should not just be complacent about them, but actively working to fix them. That's also one of my prayers these days.

Now all I need to do is work on getting good, solid sleep before 11:00 at night *unhappy sigh* Yeah. I know. That's really early, especially for me! I also need to keep being upbeat about my B12 injections, plus my still massive amount of supplements and smaller amount of my good friends, the pain killers and muscle relaxers *sniff*.
Something I have to point out though is that through all I have endured, the Lord has been faithful. Now all I need to do is be faithful in return. All I need to do is choose to be joyful in the face of my trials. All I need to do is trust my Lord, my Savior, my Friend. He is all I need.

Be Well!
-Rae

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