Monday, August 23, 2010

Life's Dealings

I just returned from an evening of my little brother, homework, errands, and the indomitable Ellie Glorioso (She's the one in the picture =P).
I'm lucky to have her as a friend (indubitably, my dear Watson!)! It's nice to have someone in my life who is going through at least some of the health problems I currently am and thus able to understand me...although I wouldn't wish them on anyone. She and I find antiquing normal, writing letters fashionable, and the collecting of scarves and old books "cool". Definitely my kind of person!!! I bought her a coffee and then we talked for an hour and half and shared a number of hugs. She also opened the present I've been prepping for her for months!!! YAY!!!!!
And might I add that she liked it? Yup. You can say it. I have good taste. *pleased smile* When it comes to quirky things, that is *chuckle*.


We finally had to separate, walking out to our respective cars. I had the letter Ellie wrote to me stowed in my purse, just as she had my letter in her bag. I couldn't wait to read what she had written!!
Once I got home, I realized how tired I truly was. I had only slept for two hours Sunday night.....it wasn't so much homework as it was other responsibilities, an hour of sister time, and Michael play time...all of which will interfere with even the most carefully laid plans *smile* It was worth it, but man, was I tired. Actually, I still am. Huh. (No surprise there!)
Anyway. I was still very happy, as I had talked with friends at Co-op and during class, I had had family time, my littlest brother had doted on me, and I had seen one of my good friends! Wunderbar! But as soon as I walked in the house, I heard my Dad yell at my brother, and all my familiar feelings of emotional pain flooded back. I was home.

Matt just tried to shake it off, and Sarah and Mum just tried to ignore the fact that my dad was shouting again. Michael has heard so much of it before that he doesn't even bat an eye. That's sad...truly, it is. My dad is in a conflict right now between his depression and his convictions...and while we have seen some progress with him controlling his anger, his death looks, his unreasonable punishments and overall emotional abuse (which I know far to much of for one lifetime!), there are still moments where I have to just bite my lip and try not to cry until I am in my room. If I don't bite my lip and leave, I fly off the handle, shouting and crying at the same time. Thank the Lord that He has been working on my heart and enabling me to have more of a spirit of grace and submission. It has reduced stress in the family, as well as the number of shouting matches. It doesn't dull the pain though. The damage is already done. I've been crushed so many times that it's quite hard for me to trust. But, I guess, when it's all you've ever known, and your home environment is so unstable that you could be held and coddled one minute and shouted at, torn apart, and left feeling helpless, hurt, and abandoned the next, you get a bit used to it. My dad can be amazing with everyone else, especially outside the house. He's quite charming even. But he's not consistent.

So...that was what I came home to...a dad who was already out of sorts. I took a deep breath, went upstairs, said "Hi" to my family, and then retreated to my room to read Ellie's letter, hide from my dad's wrath, and keep from stepping on toes.
Then, Michael comes a-knocking. His little, three-year-old hands beat on my door until I open it, his high voice pleading to "have a party" with me...meaning he curls up on my bed next to me, looks out my window, plays with a couple toys and the various knickknacks around my room, and tells me all about his day. I cherish these moments. He actually laid down next to me, his head on my shoulder and his small arm looped around mine. But he became so exuberant that he had to free his hands and starts motioning every which way to tell me about the movie he just watched (An old claymation Sinbad movie). I couldn't help but smile at him. So, we played for a bit, and to my delight, he used the word "Apparition" correctly!!! He whipped out a small decorative "lantern" of mine that holds tea candles and, flaunting it as one of his toy dog's houses, said "This apparition is now my home!" Hehehehe. I have to say that if my parents have some issues in their parenting methods, they didn't have any problems with enriching our familial vocabulary!!!!

I still hadn't finished Ellie's letter, but I put it down to spend time with Michael. He asked me to put him down for bed, and although I had plans to write this blog post, read her letter, and do the bit of homework assigned in class today for my latin class tomorrow, I said yes. He then gave me a large, dimpled grin and said "I really love you, Rae-Rae". Grabbing my hand, he lead me to his messy, messy, messy room.
*le-sigh*
I finished reading the letter while he was cleaning his room. I must say that I love letters, and Ellie, you had the best idea about being pen pals throughout college!!! YAY!
Michael asked me about my visit with her, then asked for a hug from Ellie. I gave it to him, of course. Then he had to have one from McKenna, Ellie's sister *grin*. Kenna, if you're reading this, Michael adores you!!
So, I vicariously gave him a hug from you/her as well. Then he wanted one from me. Man. I'd hit the jackpot tonight! So many hugs!!! (Though I could ALWAYS use more. If you ever want to hug me, don't hesitate. I will stand with my arms wrapped around you for as long as you want, and as many times as you want! I am one who shows and needs love through actions and touch. Hugs and kisses on the cheek are marvelous ways to do that! Just an fyi!)

Ok. So back to Michel. He finished basic cleanup, so I read him a firefighter book from the library, tucked him in bed, and said a prayer over him. We always ask the Lord to send His guardian angels down to watch over and protect him. It's a tradition in our house to do that with all the kids, especially in their first 10 or so years. He loves it, and doesn't want to do without it, even at nap time. What can I say? He loves prayer!!! haha

After I shut the door behind me, resting my hand gently on the wood as I smiled fondly at our time together, I went back to my room.
The bad thing was that I was feeling so physically unfocused and unnerved and definitely muscularly unstable, that I almost collapsed in the hallway. I finally got in my room, shut the door, and crawled slowly onto my bed, where I am currently writing this post. Now my chest is tight, I feel lightheaded, and my full-body (both deep and peripheral muscle) spasms are back. They can get so bad that I can't stop what looks like hundreds of mini shivers. It's not the best feeling in the world, I can say.
Still.

The Lord has blessed me today.
I had all my homework done for classes.
I had a quiet time with the Lord this morning, and listened only to worship music the entire day. I talked with friends and the amazing Ellie Glorioso, and gave her a present that I put a lot of thought and love into. I avoided an emotionally wrenching situation with my dad (I don't think I could have held up if he had blown up at me, as I am a bit emotionally unstable right now.)
I had Michael time, and I was told I was loved.
You know, on that note, I just wish I believed I was loved more often.
I guess that over the years of never being able to life up to my dad's expectations and rarely feeling the love my mum had for me because dad would "cancel it out", I find it hard that people could or would even choose to love me.
God is helping me realize that even I am lovable (at times *chuckle*). And today has shown me that.

So, yes. Today was good. The Lord blessed me, and I am truly free.
Do you have a secret to share that you've never told anyone? Do you have a relationship that has scarred you, or makes your life unbelievably hard and damaging? Do you have troubles in school, home, or life?
If so, you're not alone. And if you can't share it with the ones around you, try posting it on www.sixbillionsecrets.com You will be amazed at how freeing it can be to share your burdens.

I am lucky enough to have people willing to listen. All I need is to have faith that they will love me in spite of my flaws, and you know what? I think they do =P

Praying that you all have had a wonderful day and can have a wonderful week,
-Rae

PS: Be Well! *smile*

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