Thursday, September 23, 2010

I'm Tired. Oh. And I now have another doctor...

Hello Muselings!
So, I have some updates for you. Today is going to be a more "point by point" day, so bear with me.

On Tuesday, I had that 6 hour keilation, i.e. heavy metal poisoning testing. It went alright. Three friends called me, I had free wi-fi, and the lab nurse gave me nicknames. So it was all good XD Now we just have to wait another week for the results. If I DO have heavy metal poisoning, then I will go through a major detox. Then my immune system can hopefully recover and kill off the pathogen that's wreaking havoc on my system. If there isn't any poisoning, then my immune system is already shot and will need a serious antibiotic regime to kill off the bacteria/virus thing....and it might take quite a while. But the doctor is at least hopeful that we will eventually get this aspect sorted out. But what's worse is the following.


My doctor is getting pretty concerned now primarily about my liver. It's definitely not doing its many jobs well, and is malfunctioning a lot. I'm on a couple of pills for it, but because of my nausea, it's hard to even keep down the pain killers and hormone supplements. So right now, my liver is just going to have to keep chugging along with all its broken cogs and wheels until the rest of my body allows us to fix it!
Dr. Fetters also says that I shouldn't have any more IV treatments. The Lidocain (pain killer) that was added, and was the main reason I was having the therapy in the first place, is too hard on my body. It turns out that my cell membranes aren't strong and healthy enough to handle the stress that they lidocain puts on them, causing severe muscular issues and a fibromyalgia and sycope flair. The IV therapy also caused major pain, and I'm still suffering from Monday's triggered episode. What else can I say about that? My chest hurts. =(

So, I have my doctor stumped. Everything he's tried has either failed, or backfired. I'm getting weaker by the day. It turns out that I'm losing more than a pound a day (I lost 8.3 pounds this last week)...and you're only supposed to lose 1 pound a week (max) on a healthy, rigorous diet with exercise.
It also seems that my body is taking a lot of it from muscle mass, adding to my general fatigue and weakness. The energy it takes to break down fats and muscle to produce the energy I need to survive is exhausting in itself, and having less healthy muscle to perform tasks makes it even harder. And think what it would be like if I wasn't drinking all the special electrolyte, vitamin, and mineral enhanced drinks! Needless to say, what was once a mild concern a few weeks ago has now turned into alarm.
Dr. Fetters is recommending me to a very specialized, hard to to see doctor (described as the doctor for the "Rich and Famous" because he's so sought after). It normally takes months (6 months often...or even more) to get in to see him. But Dr Fetters is friends with him, and says he'll get me in to see the doctor on Monday. :) And not just the assistant MD, who usually handles all new patients. Dr. Geyers himself. He's a pain, fibro, and IV therapy specialized MD who's been working in his specialized, holistic, natural health practice for 20 years. So hopefully,(and God willing), he will have more answers and many other avenues to explore in order to get me feeling better. Because I can say that I've never felt worse.
It doesn't help that today I'm grumpy.
I don't like it, but it's a fact.
Miss Grump is in town.
Humph.

Anyway.
So, after the bad news about my liver, the pathogens, weight loss, reduction of muscle mass, weakness, exhaustion, severe pain, the negative repercussions of the lidocain use, cell membrane issues, a doctor who's had to turn me over to a specialist because I'm only responding badly to treatments, and NO news about possible widespread bodily poisoning, I came home. Happy day. *grumble grumble*
Then I finished grading the paper for my writing class that I had to teach today, went and taught (It's going well.), and then came home.

I cannot express to you how weak I am now. It's hard work to type. Sitting up, lying down, walking, are all major hurdles for me. The thought of stairs makes my breath catch in my throat. My muscles are starting to give out on me more frequently, too. If I don't watch out, I'm going to collapse somewhere and it's not going to be pretty. *sigh*
That's why I didn't go to the conference tonight. Yeah. You know the one I was talking about a couple posts back? Well, it's this thursday, friday, and saturday. I'm resting up tonight. And then, happiness of all happiness, I will be pushed around the conference all day friday....in a wheelchair. It's the only way I'll be able to attend though. It still might be too much though. How sad is that?
Anyway.

Oh!
More news.
My grandma is staying all next week so that I don't have to take care of the kids while Mum is gone in New Mexico with Dad...if she even goes. She's going to see how I do this weekend. Because, in her words "If you're close to going to the hospital, or are getting worse, then I won't be able to relax at all, and might as well be home helping you as much as possible."
I hope she can go. She needs a break. I'm afraid that my illnesses have taken a very hard toll on my mum, and she's showing the wear and tear. I want to get better, if only for her sake!

Some friends are also going to pop over from my co-op as well. My Latin teacher, Mrs. Huston, arranged to bring a few of the girls over Tuesday afternoon. That makes me very happy. :)

I've also talked a lot with Molly, my newest friend, and someone I can already call a good friend. She's awesome. If you don't know her, meet her. And if you live in Europe, Asia, Africa, the Middle East, South America, or anywhere out of the state of Indiana....well, I guess you're out of luck. Sorry. *shrug* There's only one Molly to go around! Thankfully, she's here with me =P

************

Three letters came in the mail yesterday, and were VERY encouraging. It seems that (from what the letters and various FB messages and posts etc... have said) Musings has had a very positive effect on many of you. And for that, I'm very glad. It was my prayer that God would use me, even in my condition, to encourage and help other people. Yay! That makes me happy too!

************

Tomorrow will be the 5 week anniversary of not eating. *sarcastic* Yipee. I almost have no appetite now. My stomach RARELY ever growls, and the thought of food makes me think "yum" and feel nauseous...both at the same time. It's not the best feeling in the world. BUT! My dad is bringing me back a frosty from Wendy's. Since it's not a solid food, I should be able to eat it! That will be a nice change from the SoBe Lifewater I've been chugging *chuckle*

Oh! Another thing. My concentration is getting worse. It's hard for me to do anything for too long, unless it involves people. Which brings me to another big point.
You see, I have a "people" mask that I put on when I leave the house or have guests. I mask my pain, I walk upright, I don't lean on the walls to get around, and I smile and laugh like there's nothing wrong. For a while there, it was an escape--a way to go and enjoy my friends without having to act as sick as I felt. But lately it's been sooo very draining. And I don't have the energy anymore to do much of a mask, especially for extended amounts of time. So for those of you who are coming to visit me, you will see me. Part of the mask, yes. I can't help it.But also me as I am right now...feeling hurt and broken and weak. So if you're unnerved by seeing pain, you may want to wait a while before seeing me. *shrug* It's just the way things are.

************

Two days ago, when I was reading my bible, the Holy Spirit said "Psalm 42:8". Do you know what that verse says? Well, I didn't. So I flipped to the chapter and verse, and read this:
"By day the Lord directs his love,
at night his song is with me--
a prayer to the God of my life."
That verse really struck me, as I have been quite moved by God's love recently. It's been my "mission". So I read further.
"I say to God my Rock,
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
oppressed by the enemy?"
"My bones suffer mortal agony
as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
"Where is your God"
"Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
For I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God"

......
I don't know about you, but that sounds like my cry lately. I often feel like all the prayers for healing aren't being answered, that I am somehow "forgotten"...and sometimes even forgotten by God and man. My bones, my body, they all are in mortal agony, with the doubts and fears and anger (my foes and enemies) trying to creep in and take a hold of my heart.
But you know what?
Even on days when I'm grumpy every second....even when I get one piece of bad news after the next, I can still say that "Life is good".
God is working in my life. I'm growing. I'm seeing my family grow closer together, and my relationships grow and blossom. I have new friends who are grounded in Christ, and solid, encouraging Christians who strengthen me. I have countless people praying for me, many of whom I have never met personally. I am helping others through the words I write, and I am seeing God move in miraculous ways all around me.
What is my pain compared to what Christ suffered?
What is my sorrow compared to that of one without hope?
What is my life compared to that of a dying world?
Everything I have can be used for God's glory. How many people can say that?
So I DO choose to "yet praise him,  my Savior and my GOD".
Who are you praising?
Is your heart right before the Lord?
Now, mine isn't. Not completely anyway. I have many flaws and many areas that still need to be worked on. But praising God in the midst of the fire is a good place to start.
So find something that as positive in your day, and praise God for it. Or even something bad. If you got cut off in traffic, thank God that there was no crash, that you and the other driver were alert enough to adeptly handle your vehicles, and that they got to wherever they were going safely (God willing).
We never know when our life is going to end, or when, or if, our circumstances will ever change. We can only choose how we will react in those circumstances. And I choose Joy. Because when I choose joy, I CAN know what the ultimate result will be: Glory to God in the highest, and the obedience of one humble servant willing to do God's work.


Choose Joy.
Choose Praise.
Choose God.
He makes even the heaviest of burdens light, as he is doing with mine.


Be Well.
-Rae

3 comments:

Calandreya said...

I am thanking God right now that you're going to get to see that specialist. *hugs*

joan said...

Rachel dear, I am in tears... you are such a joy to be around... (all two times i have actually hung out with you) , You have no idea what kind of inspiration you have been in my life, even in this last week. I know my actions an demeanor have changed mostly because of your words... but words not from you alone. The Lord is speaking through you into the hearts and minds of people all around the world. Keep trusting Christ with all your heart, mind, and STRENGTH and and he will do a great work through you!!!

okay, i need to stop now or i will be writing my own blog as a comment to yours. Love you... and thank you for the kind words. Once again you made me blush <3... and i am so excited to see you on Tuesday! Porcupine!!!!! :D

Rae Hitchings said...

We saw each other TODAY!!! AHH! :P
Potato!
I Wuv you!

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