Thursday, October 14, 2010

Breakdowns and Surrenders

I had a breakdown tonight. The sobs. The crying out for relief. The curling up in a ball, trying to get over the emotional turmoil of the day (as today's results were less than favorable) and severe physical pain. It feels like I'm crying for an answer, waiting for a reply that will never come...a reply to a question that will forever be unanswered.
So, as I often do when happy, sad, depressed, or bored, I listened to music. The songs played tonight though were "It's going to be alright" "Golden" "On my own", etc... Then the song "Crazy Beautiful" started playing. I was going to change the song to something a bit more fitting for my present state of mind when a few words stuck out to me. Chasen's lyrics, sung with his boyish charm, go "...the inside is beautiful, but the outside we want to change....the outside we want to change"
In essence, what is in our heart, mind, and soul is what counts, but instead we focus on the external - the physical. I don't have to have a healthy body to have a healthy mind, heart, and soul. They don't have to go hand in hand. I can be complete and whole and happy without healthy being added to the mix.
I hadn't thought of that phrase in such terms before, so it was a nice reminder of what I already knew, but had pushed to the back of my mind.

As the tears streamed down my cheeks, I looked up, desperately searching for something....answers? Hope? God? Maybe none of these things, maybe all of them. I don't know. But for a few minutes, I could do nothing but sob....nothing but let pent up frustration, fear, anger, sadness, and despair pour out. I bared my heart to God, but could only utter such words as "I can't do this anymore", "I don't know if I can continue like this", and "Please, God. Help me. Do something...everything.......anything............please."
My mind was so clouded from all the drugs in my system, all the pain, and all the emotion that I don't know if I heard an answer or not, other than the ones from the songs.
But then I did something I hadn't done before. I grabbed a large pad of newsprint paper and soft pastel pencils, and started writing. The first page read, in large blue and red letters, "I'm going to be ALRIGHT". On the second, in different colors, I wrote phrases from the song "Golden", by Erin O'Donnell - "Life is Fine", "We'll see it all as Golden", and "In God's time". The third sheet read (in blue), "Every Day Begins and Ends with HOPE". And so it went.
"God Provides", "Quit trying to trust and hope in this world and its cures - Trust in the one thing that IS sure - God. He is ALL I will ever need, and is sufficient", "God is my All and All", "Pride comes before the fall: Don't trust in myself and my own strength - I can't be what I need when I need it. Only God is enough!!!", "God, you have to save me. You're my last and only hope", "I can't seem to make it on my own".
And last, but not least, are the words from Mandisa's song "God Speaking". They go "His ways are higher....His ways are better". Yes. They are. Downhere noted in one of their songs that we cannot see the whole horizon. Only God can.
I can't stand up under the weight of everything in my life right now. I just can't. But God can. He is under it, around it, and over it. And if I rest in his arms, He will carry me up and over the cloud of despair and helplessness that enveloped me, the feelings that sometimes fill my heart and mind, clouding them completely. He will. And He does. And He is. I can honestly say that because I have trusted my God with my life, He has fulfilled His promises of carrying my burdens for me. All I have to do was lay it down at His feet again. I also think that it's not healthy to keep all that emotion pent up and suppressed. I needed that cry, and that time of surrender. So, all things considered, this breakdown needed to happen. I need to get "re-broken".

Sara Groves sings that "Hope comes when you least expect it". I didn't expect hope and peace this evening. But it came anyway. It probably helps that I had friends who told me just a few minutes ago that they were praying for strength and God's peace in my heart, especially for tonight. Jess, Amber, your prayers were answered. Thank you. We serve an almighty, all knowing, all seeing, all caring, and all loving God. What have we to fear when He is by our side?

I have found my joy again. It's a bit more practical, quiet, and less exuberant than of late. But it's joy nonetheless. And it's joy in my God and my King. I can ask for nothing more, and He gives nothing less.

Thank you all for your prayers, and thank you Dani for your "good vibes" *chuckle*

May the Lord show you His peace and sufficiency. It's real, and it's powerful.
And remember. "In the face of our own injuries is the constant generosity of grace" - Sara Groves

Be Well!


Oddyoddyo13 said...

Beautiful line-it's good when those lines from those songs come to you, right when you need them most. Mine was, "I think I'm finally scared now" by Matchbox 20. It reminded me that it's okay to be scared. It's okay to admit that.

The same goes for you. If you're scared, don't be ashamed of it. We're here for you. :)

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