Monday, November 29, 2010

Back From the Silence

Hello everyone =)
I'm back! It's been quite a while since I posted...over a month I believe. For me, that's quite a change. Posting once every one or two days for months on end was my norm, and now this. Silence.
I have to say, though, that this break from blogging was a well needed rest. My mind has been kind of frazzled as of late - I'm unable to think clearly much of the time due to medications, lack of sleep, and my illnesses; my short term memory is fading with every increase in my pain meds (I will get it back, though not anytime soon, I expect); and I even have occasional trouble trying to remember how to even think.
That bugs me. Quite a lot, actually. Still. God has been working on me over this past month about these changes. You see, I mentioned a few post ago that I am thankful for my diseases and the long haul of doctors, medicines, and usually ineffective treatments. That doesn't mean I'm happy about it, mind you. But I'm thankful. Why? Because I have grown exponentially during the experience. I'm more tender, understanding, patient, thinking (more) before I speak, slow to anger, quick(er) to listen, and so forth....all things that I lacked in abundance in years prior. This is all a result of God breaking me down piece by piece. You see, I'd come to rely on myself for most things - feeling self worth and accomplishment, since I rarely got it at home; drive for perfection and doing better than everyone else; personal, academic, and everyday happiness; and so on. I rarely relied on God, knew I couldn't count on true encouragment (without a catch) from home, and never felt like my friends reciprocated all the love I felt I had given. And so, I never felt like I got enough of the love and encouragement that I needed. Most of this is no one's fault but my own. I had, and still have, an inferiority complex, and that, coupled with my stubborness, personal drive, and pride, equaled a bitter girl who never felt good enough. This was often deep down and supressed, so other couldn't see my pain. Another flaw, as I didn't want to seem weak, needy, "inferior", and so on. You can imagine how I often had a hard time trusting someone completely, or even being willing to open up on occasion.

With my illnesses, much of that self reliant pride, arrogance, and bitterness was taken away. I couldn't do a full school load, and then I couldn't go to all my classes, and even later, I couldn't even do school at all, which is where I am now. There goes my personal accomplishment and self worth. Now I had to rely on things other than me. I still couldn't trust my dad, or even my family, to offer much. Friends were busy, or just couldn't come see me/me go see them since we didn't have classes, bible study, or anything else together. I had nothing left, or so I thought at first. Then I remembered something. You know what it was? It was the word "Yes". My Christianity stood for something. I had Christ. Now I had someone to rely on, someone who has shown His belief in my value and worth. That belief is such that it impacts me every moment of every day. He is a friend, a father, a brother; He gives opportunities to serve others that I never saw before because I was so self-centered.
I relied on Christ.
I still rely on Him.
And I feel free.
No more was I soley bound by the deficiencies and damaging influences of this world. I had the King of Kings on my life's resume. Who can beat that?! Now, I still can't "beat" others in sports or academics. I can't strive for perfection in memorization due to my foggy mind, and my inability to attend classes. I can't do my homework because reading a simple paragraph is often a very long process with multiple re-readings. My strengths of english, writing, music, history, and so on are often obsolete. BUT! - I have the ability to use my handicaps to illustrate how God used this world's harmfulness and turned it into beauty, self worth, happiness, and the deep, everlasting Love of one young woman - me. And for that, I am eternally grateful.
I no longer rely on others for love. Yes, I need it and crave it. But their approval, attention, and love doesn't define me. God does.

My illness has allowed God to break me down to the point that I couldn't scrape by on my own strength and accomplishments. I was empty and miserable. And yet, He fills. He satisfies. He was, is, and is to come, so His love will never end. And now that love is mine. Mine to keep. Mind to enjoy. Mine to use. Mine to give. There is a never ending supply, and now I feel like I can't give enough love away, or see enough people touched by God's merciful hand.
He is glorified through my brokenness, and that's the way it should be. Were my continuing illnesses worth this revelation and growth? Gosh darn it, yes! I believe it is, and that is why I am thankful for these pst 2 1/2 years of health issues. I am a new creation, and know I have the power in Christ to overcome my own selfish ways.

So I ask you now....What are you relying on yourself for? Do you believe that you "have what it takes", without God's interference? Do you believe that being unsure about something means you still can't put your trust, faith, and belief in it? If so, you're wrong. Yes, we all have gifts. We all have strengths. We have this world at our disposal. But have you ever felt completely satisfied? Even if you hve, did that satisfaction last? I already know the answer, and it is NO. No one can feel that way without God. He is the only being that can give never ending, unconditional Love, unconditional everything, from the beginning of your life until its end.

I am back from the silence of my mind, of my tongue, and of my fingers. I have stories to tell, thoughts to share, and my unending Love of Christ to show you. I hope you will listen.

It's good to back, dear readers.
May I keep the quality and standards you all wanted and experienced from the earlier posts in tact, and may I keep raising the bar.
God bless you, and have a great week. Me? I'll start figuring out what all I wish to write about in the days to come. Until next time, my friends!

Be Well!
-Rae <3 Read more "Back From the Silence..."
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