Monday, October 3, 2011

Hey all!
So, right now I'm sitting at a McDonald's, texting with Blake, looking up photos, reading interviews with my fav actors, writing more in my fanfics and novels, and have some more episodes of Legend of the Seeker season 2 waiting to be watched. Legend of the Seeker (LotS) is my favorite fantasy show, and in my opinion, one of the best fantasy shows made. Merlin is a runner up, because of how fun it is and how gorgeous Morgana (Katie McGrath) looks =P Xena I have yet to see, though I'm sure I'll love and ship that one too when I see it *chuckle* It's a cult phenomenon, and has Lucy Lawless, the wonderful woman who captured my attention as one of the Cylons in Battlestar Galactica. She was fantastic next to Tricia Helfer as Eight. Great on screen rapport, let me tell ya!
.....And yes. I'm here geeking out big time again *Grin* But lately, I have been majorly geeking out. My mobility has been further reduced due to my illnesses, now only driving within a 5 minute or so radius of my house, which thankfully encompasses the Kroger where I shop, a Panera, two McDonalds, on Starbucks, and various pizza places =P It's lovely to have all that close. But the doctor and my mum et all are getting very worried about my mental state, as am I.
Many of you know I got into a car wreck about 3 weeks ago, around 9:00 at night. I guess that there had been many MANY wrecks called into insurance companies that day, and the insurance agent was very worried when she heard I was in a wreck that night. Many had been terrible. The reason? Rain. The roads were just slick enough that it was prime hydroplaning conditions. Which is what happened. I was slowing down to stop at a ramp onto the 116th and Keystone roundabout, and then lost control. If I hadn't turned the car enough to clip the faaaar left bumper of the car in front of me with the right side of my civic, I would have slammed into the median, or slid directly into oncoming traffic and gotten t-boned in my driver's side door. I was very VERY lucky, and could limp home afterwards. I didn't think at the time that I had gotten hurt. But later that night and esp the next day, my lower back was killing me, with tingling pain, some numbness, and extra, different pains around my spine. And it hasn't gotten any better since the accident, and my lower back gives me lots more trouble than it had before that night.

Something I've been experiencing since I got sick is very rare moments of mental shut down, where I can't focus or remember or read etc... But since the crash, I have had small moments every day, and every couple of days, a MAJOR episode, where my body shuts down. I can't think, remember how to think, connect with my emotions, focus on the page, understand anything I read, and more. Then, as things slowly come back, I might be able to string a few sentences together, but still not yet comprehend them, esp in relation to the story or work as a whole. Then I have a part of my brain that can rationalize things, but that is seemingly separate and compartmentalized away from the majority of my emotional, mental, and personality areas that end up taking the most negative view on life, on situations, on problems. I get depressed and upset. But thankfully, it's all chemical. There are no persons or actions or situations that induce an episode, and side effects of my different conditions all involve kinds of depression or mental fog etc... The worrying thing though is that when I'm alone, I usually feel worst when an episode hits, and with no specific trigger, the COULD happen anywhere, any time...while driving, talking, reading, walking. That's why I don't drive more than 5 minutes away from home....because I could have an episode while driving and not remember how to drive, to think, to react, and so forth. It's scary, and very disturbing for me. The doctor says he thinks it is probably mini, non-muscular seizures. And after an episode a couple days ago, I'm starting to think he may be right. *looks grim* That's the last thing I need.
But mentally, I need SOME kind of freedom. Mum wanted to take all driving privs away so I have no chance of hurting myself or others if I have an 'seizure' in the car. The flip side is that one of the main reasons I've stayed sane is being able to drive whenever I want or need an 'escape'. This is all due to being awake at night when I don't have ppl to physically interact with, that I am tired all the time, don't get much sleep, am in my room a lot due to not feeling well enough to be around people or am sleeping during the day when I DO sleep (tho that's changing with a new med I just got on...we'll see if it helps me), and so forth. If that had been taken away and I knew I couldn't leave whenever I needed to or wanted to, I'm not sure I could survive and not become depressed. The doctors are verys urprised they haven't had to medicate me for depression. Melancholy has happened off an on, but never true depression. And with my family history of depression from my Dad and his sisters and parents (thanks...-_- *sigh*), and chemical depression being a natural symptom of fibro, Lead Poisoning, and Sleep deprivation, I'm very very lucky.
Sadly, the whole 'Mental freakout and shutdown' is a pseudo-Bi-Polar, causing more chemically induced anxiety attacks, and the shutdowns themselves are chemical in origin as well. There's nothing I can do to go through therapy or meditation correct them. It's physical, not strictly 'mental'.
So, you can definitely pray for me in that area, please. And thank God that I have some kind of mobility.

In other courts....I'm writing!!! Fanfictions for my favorite shows (Legend of the Seeker are on my list of things I want to write, Star Trek Voyager is the one I have multiple fanfics planned or started and in the works, Stargate is another "I want to write for this!", as is Farscape, Battlestar Galactica, and Warehouse 13. Some Haven would be fun tossed in there, or some X-files =D) are going well. And my Victorian Novel is coming along slowly but surely, I'm very happy to say! ^.^ I was doing research for it when I came across steampunk, and I decided to make a blog post about it. But the research took AGES. It's in draft right now, and I need to finally finish it......and hopefully indoctrinate ya'll to love it even somewhat close to the way I do! *humms happily*
I'm now surfing tumblr, though don't have anything posted under my tumblr name of "RaeTheGreat" XD. But lots of photos from fellow fans and fainters of all my favorite shows and so forth fill my Tumblr dashboard, and I LOVE it!!! =D I would recommend that site to anyone!!!

Ummm, Music wise I've been listening to a lot of dance music, with the Step Up 1-3 soundtracks, and a number of other dance shows and movies and radio station playlists fill in the gaps. I'm also listening to Basshunter. That German DJ knows how mix one heck of a good dance track! O.O Yowza! =D Makes me very very happy! *wiggles*

Generally though, despite the medical problems, getting worse physically, losing more mobility, and now having to worry about losing my mental faculties bit after bit (which is essentially losing one of the last things that my illnesses haven't slowly but steadily...and viciously...stripped from me), I am still choosing happiness. Today I was just a happy-content. And that was great. Why I feel that way today when I have a major cold that is feeling suspiciously like it's about to become bronchitis, is beyond me. But I have found out that the worse I feel, the harder I have to strive to stay upbeat, and thus the happier I feel due to the extra effort. My faith in God, my humour, my optimism, and my God's intervention and voice are what have kept me sane and as happy as I am. And for that I am eternally grateful.

And now, I'm off to watch an episode of the killer women of LotS kick some serious bad guy butt, wield their magic, defend the Creator's world from the Keeper, The powerful being who betrayed the Creator and introduced death and destruction and sin to the Creator's world just so he could have control over the physical realm when He could have just stayed with the being he loved and served. Sounds in many ways like a certain bible story I once read *wink* But the series is fantastic. And I think I'll start streaming the next season of the highly funny, clean, enjoyable, unique, and family friendly Warehouse 13, which has Kate mulgrew (my favorite actress who played the first and only Female Captain in Star Trek, and my favorite character in star trek and Voyager, Captain Kathryn Janeway) starring in a recurring role. Yaaay! *claps and squees*

And I'm off!!

*** A few hours later ***
Okay. So I wrote that earlier today XD And forgot to post 0.o Here I am posting. And no, I didn't write this at almost 11pm *chuckle*

Sorry about the typos. Quick write up, and trying to get something out to ya'll before you forget I exist...again *wink*

And I'm truly off, with this off to you at the same time *grin*

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